Thank you all so much for your charming messages and I am sorry to have given you cause for concern dear reader. 

The absence of blogging as been due to some creative time – quiet and healing.  The return to my desk was then overwhelming and as I still am struggling greatly with paperwork – even the smallest of forms is defeating my written hand at present – so I decided to ration my time spent even thinking about words and get on with some of those irksome chores of the real world.

I have also been made redundant from my position of chief navigator, journey planner and captive nag arse – a sat nav has been purchased.  I am still reeling from the consequences of this. 

I now have to put up with some robotic voice telling me where I should be going as well as “him the driver”.  I am sure this is not quite how it is supposed to work – but we have had some interesting journeys recently along roads we didn’t even know existed and ended up in destinations which are equally bizarre!! 

But I do have a lot to report when I get around to going through my study notes, and I have had a summer which can be summed up as meeting fresh ideas, people and surroundings – all very inspiring and creative…

I am also finally tackling my issues with painting – particularly that thing about the painting having to be perfect… duh?  If I don’t approach my textiles that way – or my writing – why on earth do I approach painting that way…  So I am changing my habits…

I am doing a U-turn at an appropriate location and looking for the sky – I always do what I am told – even if it is by a blinkin sat nav – who knows she may be right !!

In the meantime, another use has been found for my spinning wheel…..

If I could just find one big enough for me – perhaps I could lose weight after all !!!  Thank you dear Tom for leading the way….

It feels really strange this morning, sat at my desk for the first time in weeks – so it seems, with a totally clear mind and unwritten agenda for the week ahead (except for my cup of tea and bagel which is now sat downstairs getting cold !)

I have not had the easiest of months – June 2011 I shall look back upon as a month of extremes in our lives.  Very good Highs, and absolutely awful Lows… My emotions, my thoughts, my interaction with society, the craft world and my personal world,  along with the values I hold dear and how I live my life with such happiness have all been tested to breaking point. 

I am still here though…. which is more than can be said for some of those who have contributed to causing the grief. 

So as the month of June draws to a close, and I start planning for a relatively interesting July, I am taking a moment to step out of the journey,

I am pausing and reviewing the

landscape of my life….

and shall be blogging about some of my favourite things over the next few days….and the inspiration provided by fellow spinners, dyers and weavers who keep me going through those dark times – when when I lose my compass and the pathway is obscured…

overdosed on TV Game Shows when you can:-

• Guess the price of a property to the nearest pound – when the show was shot in 2008
• Relate the last three celebs in no particular order to have been voted out of the game shown known as “I am an overpaid, underexposed gnome get me out of here”
• Get two pointless answers in a game show, for categories which are so obscure not even the presenter knows what is expected from the contestant; and – the piece de resistance….
• you correctly guess who will win the Football World Cup Bid 2018, and how much Bristol invested in bidding for it…

Sorry the last one isn’t a TV game show – just threw that one in to check you will still reading…

It is the shocking – well in my eyes – the way good money is being spent, when there is so much debt, redundancy, disillusionment and upset that the money could have gone some way to cushion , that just being the employees of Bristol City Council, not just the stupid idiots paying into the coffers – like mug jug here. 

I am not the only one with a thorn in my shoe, the students have been at it again this week, rendering Tuesday a difficult day, and today I discover T – who has also been watching too much TV has gone on strike… yep you heard it here… strike !!

The cheeky monkey.  It was bad enough after six weeks of work towards his exams (well he had had two years to be fair, but only chose to work for six weeks) he demanded a gap year at the age of 16.  Now he is taking a leaf out of others and is striking !!

After strong words from moi – he is now ceased the sit-in he was planning (honest !!) after having declined therapy since Monday is going to get his arse back into gear. He had concluded as a student and disabled there was no point in progressing with getting better cuz he would be poor if he got better and didn’t need a wheelchair. 

Who said he was brain-injured!!  Nice to see the same old T coming back to us.  He even asked me about kettling – the definition I was able to fudge… really don’t want that one in his toolkit. 

So what have I been doing this week apart from being miserable?

Not a lot.  Really rough on Monday – fed up on Tuesday, by Wednesday had decided that my headache was driving me insane, that and the post which contained some disturbing news about cuts which are proposed for mobility claimants in care… (oh joy, only just got that one after four years of appeals… and asking them to show me where it was written in the statutes.  Obviously they couldn’t find it, so are now writing it… )

They are out to get me – I am doomed. 

Spent the day today practicing my mediation skills, along with dusting off psychology text book analogies so I could talk in therapy language convincingly (same skill I use when negotiating discounts… the glazed look signals success every time.. so can commend it as a transferable skill).  Did I ever tell you about the time I proved that God live in a cabbage patch? and got full marks…  perhaps not…

Warmed the house up enough for a bath without suffering frost bite (note to self, check new electricity and gas bills – pleased to report back having done so that I have saved a lot of money: £116.00 on both services since July – would highly recommend this.)

So I now have some dosh to spend on wool… best not increase my stash though… knitting has been difficult, along with spinning with such a cluttered and confused mind, so the muddles are getting bigger not decreasing in size.

Perhaps I ought to consider going on strike?  or even entering a game show…!!  I have a new one… where is the snow?

Back to normal…

I am now quietly getting my head back into my world of sloth, warm fires, spinning and in a few moments TV. I forgot to mention in the previous blogs that some of the elements of the two days had been filmed for segments in a craft programme to be aired later in the year/next year showcasing Heritage Crafts and demonstrating how they are thriving today, reinvented and made relevant for the 21st Century. 

I was really flattered to be asked, totally overwhelmed by the actuality, and at a loss as to why they thought of me, apart from the obvious comedic attractions !!

It is one thing thinking on your feet, guiding and assisting others with some authority as a practicing artist and craftsperson.

It is quite another to be doing that making sure your Bristolian accent doesn’t twang too much, you aren’t mumbling at different pitches (depending on whether the subject is blagging or speaking from experience !), chest out (so you can speak), stomach in (so no-one gets the wrong idea and thinks I am pregnant) and bottom hidden at all times !

We won’t go into the lengths which went on to disguise my habitual garb of quarter-length trousers, which in their defence are comfy and easily discarded when covered in too much dye and paint. 

Unfortunately from the outtakes, and the rough edit that I have seen so far,  I am starting to look suspiciously like a mixture of Madam Mim from Walt Disney (my latest haircut has got a bit out of hand…) and Anne Widdecombe in rehearsals – not a particularly flattering vibe – but a practical one ! to which I hope the viewing public will feel sympathy with.  At least they don’t have to vote for me.!!

So what am I doing now.  Trying hard not to dwell on what might be and what ifs, and concentrate on actually living my life, filling the time with useful and hopefully medical therapeutic tasks.

I have mordanted another batch of wool, so natural dyeing is back up the agenda, along with knitting and sorting out my notebooks. 

Just want to share with you my incredibly useful glass “plate” I bought at a craft trail in chew magna, I so love it, as it reminds me of weaving, but in another format – ie glass.

I have knitted up my first naturally dyed sample, Logwood in Devon BFL.  The photograph colour is not quite accurate, but you can get an idea as the background is from a Milk Tray carton.  Lovely wool though, really impressed.  I am going to add this to my Barn Raising Quilt which is fast becoming a sampler of my best loved dye baths over the last two years.  How is that for a warming thought?

So back to Dyer’s Chamomile and the TV…

So Day 2 following on from the colour (with most of it having been forcibly dried overnight – so it was one very warm workshop I walked into, and smelling a bit like the local farmyard) we scratched our midget brains (as T calls mine !)

The majority of the attendees were knitters and wanted to knit, but lots of confusion reigned over how to knit with your own bespoke handspun.   We did some test spinning and then the penny dropped that some of those present were not spinners at all ! 

Not a problem thought I (over optimistically it transpired) experienced can mentor newbies whilst we got some of the samples knitted up into tension swatches, and mounted for show and tells. 

But what I hadn’t taken into account – like all good tales – was whilst two of the ladies had been members of local guilds for many years and an authority on all things fibrey…they had never actually confessed to those they were issuing counsel upon that they were not actually able to spin. Oohps a daisy… 

I have undertaken some drop spindling in some very funny places, but the ladies loo of a village hall, has to be a first.  Drop spindling is not my strength at the best of times, but two in a cubicle was a sight to be behold. On the bright side the loo did actually make a very good place to stand on to “drop” the spindle.  Thank goodness nobody came in, otherwise what is left of my reputation would be in tatters !

After a while, Madam  became confident enough to emerge into the rest of the group with enough knowledge to blag the rest, and after I had a few moments to myself to recover (there are times that I regret having given up smoking!) I returned to the fray…

It was all I could do not to collapse in very loud laughter and give the game away, as I came across Madam sharing her new found knowledge with the other – less politically sensitive newbie…as if she had been an expert for years…

So moving swiftly on…and comforting myself that people learn a skill best when they have to relay it to someone else…!

The wraps per inch around the room varied enormously from laceweight (well frog yarn I think…) to VERY chunky indeed.  Also we discovered the way we measured wpi varied from person to person as well.  I  hadn’t realised it was quite so subjective. 

I was armed with needle sizes from 2.00 mm through to 10 mm – so that did not pose a serious problem, but the next hiccup was the felter peeps.

Now the day before I had been very clear that if you were intending to felt your finished item… superwash merino was not the ideal fibre to dye with… obviously that had been ignored or forgotten by the time they got to grips with the soap and bubble wrap on day 2. 

I did not curse nor swear… in fact I was very calm as I went through their stashes with them, trying to identify just how much previous experience they had had with felt.  Lots it seems, but not very successful – “and what did you use?”  I asked… you can guess the reply me thinks. 

Thankfully some ordinary sheeps wool was identified – still wet, and found to be feltable, along with silk and other bits and pieces which would make perfect embellishments and they were off again. 

So all emergencies overcome, with the weavers quite happily started on their projects as well, we reconvened over coffee and got stuck into the climax of the day -  adapting or constructing patterns suitable for your own bespoke handspun wool (knitters (swatching) and non-knitters (fibres/handspun strung around cardboard). 

Wow, what a really enjoyable afternoon. 

I had no idea that a principle so basic to constructing anything with handspun, and that I enjoy so much such – ie swatching (knitted or woven) was considered a chore and a waste of fibre and time to others.  

Surely you can’t make anything if you don’t know the basic construction of your materials?   Well – in house building and patios maybe, but knitting – nay it is magically assimilated…

So – deep breathes, and brainstorm took place…we covered all the things you needed to find out from the swatch and what you could do with the swatches afterwards.  All of a sudden I was privileged to see and metaphorically hear (in the silence as the cogs were visibly turning) the penny drop…

Much studious knitting/thread wrapping followed, along with calculator, pencil rubber swopping, and complex mathematical computations being checked and double-checked.  Madam even felt confident enough to confess her new spinning talents to the groups – to rapturous applause (I felt tears pricking my eyes with pride – from the reactions of some though I suspect they had been aware of this for many years though !!)

It all went quiet as concentration was required to finish this task, and I found myself wondering if I was on the home straight or it was going to be ambushed…

I so hoped nobody would start getting me to check their figures – my friends know my maths goes to pieces when I am confronted with an equation in a crowd… and then my contemplations were interrupted as a member jumped up and down and cried outloud – was she having a fit? – or even worse a heart attack? – goodness where was the first aid box ? – I hadn’t asked…

then the immortal words were cried as she theatrically re-measured her swatch and scrutinised her rather large jumper (which I had assumed had been knitted before she had lost a lot of weight)… “aagh… so that is why it wouldn’t fit…!”

Muchos happiness all around, along with handclapping, empathetic nods and in my case sheer relief at not having to remember resuscitation skills.  We seamlessly entered the final furlong – writing our own patterns to show off the handspun to its best… another one of those things that I do so automatically now, having long since given up on trying to convert patterns,but I wasn’t terribly sure or confident that I could convey how I do it…

My fears proved ungrounded. 

The group by now had worked out how to decipher my disjointed thought processes, and with the aid of diagrams and a printed worksheet with only figures to be inserted (I had done one for the Canadian Knitters Guild years ago, and it scrubbed up nicely!)   this segment seem to go swimmingly – too swimmingly I somehow suspect, but by now was too tired to enquire further.  I don’t ask questions that I don’t want the answer to…. !

So after another show and tell -  helpline numbers and emails were shared and I am bracing myself for the inevitable Day 3 booking… working title  “What went wrong and how to fix it…” 

I am though forever an optimist…but I can’t help feeling inordinately proud of “my” little chickens as they left clutching their A1 working boards and dye-stained notebooks, replete and cognitively exhausted, but equipped with the knowledge and wherewithal to face and inform the brave new world with their newly-acquired wisdom. 

At least they will be colourful and warm this winter. 

I am shattered.  I really am not used to multi-tasking anymore.  By multi-tasking I am referring to standing, walking and talking for a few hours at a time, nothing more complicated, and definitely far less than I used to be able to take so confidently in my stride.

So what have I been up to?  In my quest to convert the world to adore natural fibres, and justify my total absorption with traditional textile crafts,  I have been working on some workshops which are more inclusive and flexible than the traditional styles on offer through Guild or Shops/Suppliers. 

This came about as I have been offering the troubleshooting for dyers workshops for a while now, and a few of those who have attended wanted to take things a little further.  Play ideas were requested, along with practical solutions to getting fibre from sheep to back or wall, depending on whether you were knitting, felting or weaving. 

So this week I have been – not sure what the correct word should be here – leading? mentoring? facilitating? assisting? refereeing? counselling? advocate?  a thoroughly adorable group of craft people. 

When they asked me to assist a few months ago, I saw it as a challenge.  First of all to work out what they actually wanted from me, and then to see how it could be provided.

It transpires that they were all at different levels of experience and knowledge, but all loved fibre and colour.  So therefore this seemed like a good place to start..  Colour and lots of it….

(photo taken from a previous workshop)

So we “did” Dyeing….at all levels, shades and sequences…. kettle dyeing with fibre and blending colours to match the watercolour exercises that we had started the day with.   It is such a shame that the use of watercolours or pastels aren’t more widely used in these kind of workshops – they yielded some terrific and unusual results which I found very inspiring  don’t know about everyone else. 

I had also brought along swatches of fabrics, wallpaper, crepe and tissue paper along with knitted samples, which when combined with the paint doodles made works of art all around.  I don’t know about a dyeing workshop, I think a couple of the attendees were going off to find some art classes to play further. 

We also spent some time going through my notebooks and files/folders which have been built up over the years.  I surprised even myself with some of what I have done! it is surprising how time can diminish energy and inspiration.  I get the same creative kick when I clear out my workrooms.

We then worked on filling in the gaps of knowledge, which you can only do with a pre-existing group.  None of the formalities of getting to know each other are necessary, and so with the time saved more can be done !

So I am proud to announce that ten newbie indi-dyers are now safe to be let loose on the world.

Ready for Day 2….. working title “What do I do with it now…”

“Very little is needed to make a happy life. It is all within yourself, in your way of thinking” Marcus Aurelius  

I have spent the last few days with myself identifying what is important to me in an attempt to and prevent other’s agendas becoming indivisible from my own.   The consequence of this? – I have ended the week a lot happier and more complete than when I started it. 

This is what is currently being spun on my Dorcas (my Ashford Traveller). The top photo, a selection of 20 g Fibreholics, and the bottom one 100 g from Sara’s Texture Crafts. 

I have finished all my mitts, so they will go off to their recipients this week, but because of the rain have got a little distracted from my dyeing missions. 

This is the one waiting patiently in line from DT Crafts.  I just need to buy some odds and sod, the wool has arrived this morning, and I shall be making some test samples before launching into some commissions for 500g batches of DK. 

I have some weaving I really should be getting on with, as they are destined for presents for kind people, along with some painting and writing, more about the latter as the projects get underway.  

Yesterday, whilst searching for solitude,  I found the perfect spot to inspire – just over the water in Wales. I just need to find a way to spend some quality time there, without baggage.   It was lovely to take a day off from life.  In recent months I have become acutely aware of how miserable some of the professional people that I am dealing with are, and this is draining as well as infectious and toxic.

I picked up a book on my travels written by Elizabeth Chadwick entitled Shields of Pride.  Last night I read the first 62 pages, and couldn’t put it down until the need to sleep forced the issue.  I was sorry to read in the author’s note that publication of this novel from hardback to paperback had been delayed in 1994 because of problems with the Maxwell publishing empire.  This meant that this particular book had eventually only been published in 2007.

I find this quite bothering that commercialism can effectively prevent a really noteworthy book being read by the general public.  This feels like some kind of censorship to me, and has made me wonder how many other excellent authors don’t even get into print, or have work waiting under contract (like myself) which will probably never see the light of day. I am not fussed, because I write for myself not my ego, but I can’t help feeling the reader is all the poorer for this. 

Still I have found her now, and my midget brain has been scratched to reveal distant memories of words such as Palfrey’s and Destrier’s.  I do love the English Language, and this era in history which gave us sumptuous tapestries (without which there would be no point in visiting a NT property for me) and underpinned Chivalric conventions. 

So mind back on the tapestries, I shall leave you with this thought – taken from Natural Dyes and Home Dyeing by Rita J Adrosko.

“Coloring is one of the most delightful arts, also a most responsible branch of manufacture; and a good dyer makes a manufacturer wealthy, happy, and renowned, while a poor one brings ruin, bankruptcy and misery; and not considering the fineness of the cloth or the faultless weaver, the color sells the goods”

I received my swatches from Fox Brothers & Co today. 

In the last year or so, I have grown out of my clothes, well they are wearing out as I am getting bigger and don’t have funds, as well as not having the time to replace.  No problems when dossing around house, or working in the basement and not client facing, but a bit of a problem when I need to put on the professional image. 

I promised myself in the new grand scheme of things – two bespoke suits (or costumes as DH calls them – a phrase from his tailoring days).  I want a coat, waistcoat, skirt and trousers, in two coordinating colourways – with good seams that can be taken out and in, depending on my fluctuating size (18 – 24, but not at the same time I add!!). 

This way I get to get 2 x 4 looks, when coupled with blouses, shoes and accessories. That has to be a deal when you consider an off the peg suit in something orrible will cost me an arm and leg anyway.  Also I will be supporting British wool and craftsmanship, whilst going about unrelated employment.

I have found my perfect fabric today..the first two from the right in the picture above (not sure what they are called at the moment, will come back to you on that).  The black pin-stripe ought to be slimming and the check should make a good contrast.  They work out to £42.00/metre and I will need 3 1/2 m per suit (with a bit extra for the trousers/waistcoat). 

This is something to really look forward to. 

Figured if I was going to make a mess of proceedings, might as well find someone who can explain to me – clearly in words I understand – where I have gone wrong !! Well kit arrived – and it all looked VERY promising !!

Clear instructions, nice quantity of dye – in fact everything I needed to get started – except the wool.  No worries there, I had sourced some lovely Devon BFL which had its name on it.   Tried World of Wool, but a fortnight later, still waiting for the order… something has gone badly wrong here and I  don’t want to ring them again unless I have to, so am waiting to catch postman in the morning to see where he might have left it…a TV game show idea I think would work well here.

Read through the booklet a couple of times, as I struggled with the running order of what I had to do, how much and when. 

Methodology has never been my strongest point.  I don’t cook, so when it comes to dyeing I have to be as simple as possible.  The booklet is very clear and comprehensive, but I really need an idiots guide when doing things like this.

So I wrote out the running order last night, and bagged up the wool in 100 g bumps.  20g of sock wool, 2 x 20g of handspun and 40g of fluff.  Now this fluff I did some stuff with earlier in the week, and it was not happy about being left floating around the dyebaths.  So I skeined it this time – very loosely. 

It does though have the most amazing sheen… So – all prepared – mordanting began.  Instructions worked well, equipment worked well – struggled with the basic knowledge about what temperature simmer is – so headed off to computer to clarify (then blinkin computer crashed !! the joys of transferring over to a new one..),  Panic not yee people of H & S that is not stuff behind awaiting food preparation.  I told you I didn’t cook – didn’t I? 

Thought this image of witchy poo (alias me) was a far more interesting photo than the plain white wool mordanting.. I used Alum in this instance (as per instructions).   Then discovered I didn’t know how to use the stove, or the timer – so some quick instructions from Masterchief and I was off…

Soaked the wool thoroughly in wetted water (sounds Irish I know, but a squirt of washing up liquid to help aid wetting through the wool thoroughly).  To be on the safe side, I used maximum times. 

45 minutes to bring to a simmer, then another 60 minutes at simmering.  18g of Alum (three teaspoons) as I had some commercial sock yarn in there, but the rest lightly spun, so fingers crossed that was a good compromise.  I did this twice – so had 200 g prepared. 

I figured I could do the main dye bath and then an exhaust.  Well – thankfully Masterchief took over at this stage as I had to go and deal with some urgent stuff re: T’s admin, and when I got back – I made a mental note to self to buy individual timers for each dye pot for the future. 

There was a bleeping all over the place, but thankfully he had it under control.  Allowed the mordanting baths to cool.. then set up the first dyebath for Teal.  The colour looked sumptuous – still not sure where or what plant the Teal extract itself comes from – found something referring to it from  Jenny Dean’s website, and it is a mystery to her as well. 

I was amazingly surprised though at how close my colours have come out to hers.  The colour I have achieved is a lot more intense than in this picture here – it has got rather dark in our kitchen now, and flash didn’t work properly.  I used 3g (1 tablespoon) rather than the 1/4 tspn which the booklet seems to recommend – as I wanted to use the exhaust as well.  It does say at the start though you can use 1/4 – 1tspn, so felt quite comfortable with that decision.  Followed instructions to the letter – another 45 minutes to bring to simmer and another 60 min.  Very even output, and felt I could probably have dyed more – but the colour is delicious and very welcome to my pallet.  The closest I have come to it in the past is when I was playing with Woad. 

Then I couldn’t make up my mind whether to do the exhaust bath, or wait until tomorrow, as I am now running out of time.  Then fustic sort of got in my way…so decisions was made for me – a mordanting I will go in the morning… The colour was a far less violent baby yellow than weld of my memory and it compliments the blue/turquoisey teal perfectly. As an aside…I would highly recommend a thermometer if you are not an expert in the kitchen – simmer to me was a bit of a mystery until today (85 – 95 c/185-200f).  So there we have it.  I am going to leave both first dye baths to cool tonight – I am going to do two exhaust baths tomorrow, and I am going to use one of the skeins from each of these to sadden with ferrous sulphate when I have time over the weekend.  Now on the downside, there really is the amount of time needed that I remember from natural dyeing in the past. 

So if I am going to do this more often I am really going to have to organise myself a lot better.  The computer being at the other end of the house is not an option if the stuff is going to burn.  I couldn’t have managed to multi-task today unless Masterchief had been hanging around.  But on the plus side, the instructions and the extracts themselves really are idiot proof, and I am very pleased and feel very confident that the details have covered all eventualities.  The only thing I am glad I had over and above the instructions was the thermometer.  I certainly have a lot more playtime ahead of me from this kit – which I hadn’t banked on…you get a lot more dyeing for your money than some of the starter acid dye kits I have tried…. so off to order more wool…

Says me in my self-defence and to justify the explosion this morning.   

There has been three things which have really been bugging me since April which have been part of the “get round to it” list…

1.   Last February my walking boots when missing (lets be clear about this – February 2007 not 2008).  It was OK though, HE knew where they were…

fine, so share this with me – apparently this was not possible and neither was the location of same…. stale mate…

2. The Dishwasher – not repeating myself over this…we have only moved as far as it needing a hole in the wall to itself and needing a trip to B & Q.   As Bruce visits B & Q on average twice a week, don’t really understand the problem here…

3.  The other escapes my mind at the moment, because the first is now so critical it leaves everything in its shadow…

I have three pairs of shoes to my name, one on my feet, a pair of flip flops and my walking boots…  You wouldn’t think it possible to lose track of one of these. 

Bruce on the other hand owns loads, three which reside under the coffee table in the front living room, two I can see from the top of the stairs in the hallway… need I go on?    Yes? – thank you… a true friend is someone who doesn’t distract me when I am on a rant….

There are the wet weather ones, the cold weather ones, the working ones, the sandal ones… the…. well shall I get up in the morning and wear them ones….

Mine, are the ones I wear to work, in the garden, home, in the car – multi-tasking here.. they then fall of my feet and I buy a new pair. 

The use of shoes could be used as a metaphor for how different we are…

The reason the shoes are so important is that Murphy is one very heavy dog, difficult to handle without solidly planting yourself or connecting yourself to the earth in some way…

I am not even going there with my day-to-day shoes or flip-flops – I will break my neck.  I have pointed out the logic and the risk assessment has been written, along with the plain, flat refusal now to go anywhere with that hound unless I have the means to control him.  

Having no shoes on your feet in the middle of a muddy field does not really assist in this task – but spookily I realise, as I expound the problem in writing,  I am covered by insurance for an accident…..   and who set up that insurance?  Is he trying to tell me something…

No – I shan’t go with that thought – I have been watching too much Desperate Housewives…

I conclude that the image of this round fat women rolling around in a muddy field, with a dog totally out of control is probably an image that would give perverse pleasure to the family… even if my sense humour might be strained with a broken ankle or neck.

So where was I?

I have three hours this morning to undertake a week’s worth of chores and important tasks….. none of which involve chasing Bruce.  I start on these and discover that not only has nothing been done all week, but the stuff I cleared up last week has had another layer of junk placed on it this week.

This just isn’t fair – and I rather volubly point this out.  There are only two of us – only two bodies use this house (and the hound)…. where on earth….  then the swear words started, sorry, and then the rant started… I shall miss the rest out, because I am sure you can guess…

As Bruce scrabbles around desperately looking for a defence he cites Murphy as the cause of a lot of the mess…

SINCE F~~****ING WHEN HAS THE DOG LEARNED TO COOK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and mastered the art of delicately balance furry pizza bits in the fridge, unwrapping and placing boxes and glasses on top of the entrance way to a room I was clearing….

I know he is a clever dog, and I did have quite a stand off with him last night, when he decided he was going to sit in MY chair… but I am sorry – I totally, point blank refuse to believe that he has caused this carnage….

Now I have two three choices here…

a) ring a TV reality programme producer and get him to invite his crew in to publicly humiliate a person too stupid to realise that when confronted with irrefutable evidence you just apologise, and get stuck in to resolve; or

b) cut out the middle man and just give way to the full and very voluble expression of my feelings in the vain hope I am able to control myself enough not to kill him, and burst a blood vessel in the meantime… or

c) just walk out….

I discounted the last one because it actually is my house, so what the bloody heck do I have to do to get some peace in it.

I discounted the first – not immediate enough of a resolution.

So B it had to be…I have been practicing this particular transferable skill all week on work colleagues, so might as well make use of the practice and energy of momentum which has built up…..

——————

Two hours later I am now calmly sitting at my computer, committing the scene which preceded the clearing up of the bedrooms… to the written word so I won’t forget – and it is NaNoWriMo month – all words are good words , I am also:

• nursing my headache,
• trying to remember where the stuff I need to take with me to go down to Cullompton is…

I have located a couple of skeins of wool to start some fresh projects in the car, I have downloaded iTunes, printed the labels for the Schedule of Expenses that I am a month behind with – no spinning today for you girl, accounts here I come.

• I am trying to remember what I need to do to sort out an appointment for a Liver Scan which my GP has decided I urgently require,
• I am desperately trying to remember what coursework I need to do before Thursday pm – a mediation counselling training session would you believe….  
• With my other pair of hands I remember that we have to attend the hospital on Wednesday to meet with the surgeon for the results of Toby’s operation… 
• I definitely need a bath, but now don’t have time – not if I want to roll that skein into a ball before going….

Enough with the worry list….

Moving on….

• I am wondering why any family needs 7 keyboards and five routers… all purchased because nobody could find what they needed handily and bought replacements. 
• Three copies of the DVD Independence Day – amongst other less known films….
• I am looking bewilderingly at a set of raunchy red silken double sheets – as I am a strictly cotton and percole woman – somebody was trying to say something and lost their nerve…

and finally…..

I am cradling my muddy – spider inhabited – much beloved boots under my arm……. sometimes victory can be rewarded………. even at the price of such loss of dignity….

All was not wasted this morning…. now I can move on…

“B…RU….CE……”  I shriek down the stairs…. “where is my……”

(well I am on a roll… what was the third thing on that list…..!!!!)